Dean's Notebook
by Genim Stilinski
Summary: Lisa gives Dean a notebook in which to write his feelings.
1. Chapter 1

_This isn't a diary, but if it was, I'd be tempted to write how badly I miss Sam right now. Lisa gave me this damn notebook, told me I should write in it, so this is what I'm doing. I wasn't sure what to write about, so she not so subtly told me that it was for my feelings. Apparently, I don't talk about them enough, and it ain't healthy to keep them all inside. So, here I am, writing in this notebook, which is definitely not a diary, about how much I miss Sam._

_I've been here, away from hunting for about three weeks, and ever since I saw that man outside (the one that looked suspiciously like Sam, though I knew it couldn't be), I can't get my mind off of him. Not that these past few weeks had been all rainbows and sunshine, though. I thought about him a lot before, but this is ridiculous. _

Dean closed the cover of his 'notebook', unable to write any more.

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A/N: I am not sure if I want to continue this or not, so let me know in the reviews...if you review, because reviews are love.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean sat down in the front seat of the Impala, which he had just uncovered for the occasion, and pulled his notebook and pen up to the steering wheel. Hey, he needed something to write on, right?

_One Month._

_That's how long I've been living my apple pie life. But it isn't really all that sweet now, is it? Every day, I leave in a busted up truck that's younger than my baby, but far worse in condition, and work on construction sites. It's all I really can do out here in the civilian world. Well, that or fix cars. But working on anything but my black beauty just doesn't feel right. Reminds me too much of my dad. _

_I still wonder where he is. I mean, he helped me kill the yellow-eyed son of a bitch. But then he just disappeared. I just hope no hunter got to him. That's really not something I want to think would happen to him. He was the best of the best, and he saved me. He didn't have to. I probably wouldn't have ended up in hell, and thus, there would have been no apocalypse. If not for the apocalypse, Sam would be alive, probably back at school or something, rather than in hell. _

_Oh, God…Sammy._

_I broke the first seal. I know that. I can't take it back, no matter how much I wish I could. And Sam broke the last, but that was all on Ruby. He was manipulated. But that was my fault, too. I knew that I should have put my foot down on that one, tried harder to make sure he stayed away from her. But I didn't. I let him trust her. _

_Cas and Uriel tried to warn me, too. Speaking of Cas, the guy won't even take my calls. Or my prayers, for that matter. Ever since we adverted the apocalypse, it's like I am no longer of any concern to him. I just want to talk. _

_You know, if Cas plucked me out of hell, why couldn't he do the same for my brother?_

Dean finished, replacing the cover over his car. It was somewhat symbolic- covering up all the emotion he exposed there. He walked back inside, once again pretending it's all okay.


	3. Chapter 3

Dean pulled his notebook from the desk drawer, contemplating the wisdom of writing in it at the moment. He was, after all, a bit shaken up by recent events. But, that's what it was around for. Thus, he picked up the closest pen, opened to the first blank page, and began to write.

_I saw Sam the other day. Apparently, he's been out of hell for quite a while now. And then, after saving my ass from a djinn, he took off again. _

_I couldn't bring myself to go with him. I built a life here, with Lisa and Ben. I have a job, friends, a place other than a car I can call home. Nothing against my baby, or anything (because I still love her, and she's still gorgeous as the day I convinced Dad she was better than the stupid Volkswagen bus) but she shouldn't be here with me. She could have gone with Sam, but he wouldn't take her. She deserves better than sitting around in a garage under a tarp. _

_What am I doing?_

_I should be out there, too. The apple pie life is a dream, and I can't seem to let go. They're better off without me. Somehow, though, I can't shake the feeling that if I leave, something will come for them. I'm a hunter. I always have been, and I always will be. I'm a paranoid bastard that knows weaponry and demonology better than parenting and construction. _

_And the saddest thing is, I still can't stop thinking about Sam. _

He tucked the notebook back in the desk, and walked away.


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N: Sorry it's so short! I've got a lot going on right now, and keep forgetting to write. _

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__Okay, not cool. _

_We lost Bobby John. And this was after the friggin Campbells wouldn't listen to me. No, instead Samuel tried to hand him over to Christian. That kid shouldn't be raised as a hunter. Meanwhile, papa shapeshifter was coming to get him. _

_It royally pisses me off. And I don't know what's worse; the fact that we could have stopped it, or that one day, we might be the ones who have to gank him. It sucks._

_Lisa kicked me out. Well, I am allowed to visit, but she knew that I couldn't leave without a bit of a nudge, as badly as I wanted to get back out there. So now, I'm back in my baby, going to catch up with Sam._

_By the way, diner tables aren't the best place to set notebooks. I have what seems to be the sticky remains of pie (apple, if the smell is any indication) on the back of this thing. Guess I'm gonna have to be more careful with it. _

_My burger's here. I'll write more later._


	5. Chapter 5

_I hate Sam's car. It's a crap piece of plastic. What they call "American Ingenuity" these days just isn't worth squat. That being said, is it any wonder that I had to keep myself from smiling too damn hard when Cas fell on the thing and crushed it?_

_Well, that was definitely the highlight of my day. Quite frankly, it's all I have to smile about today. Sam's starting to freak me out again. He seemed to have no problem torturing a kid for information. Seriously? That's fucked up, even for me. He wouldn't back me when I tried to stop Cas, either. I mean, even when we did disagree, he always had my back before. I don't know what's up with him._

_Oh, and as it turns out, Raphael is trying to bring the friggin' Apocalypse back. He's gathering weapons of Heaven that had been scattered over the world when their great angelic war started. Castiel says that whoever ends up with the most toys wins._

_Isn't that great._

_You know, I just realized that I really should start writing in something leather bound. This thing's turning out to be more and more like Dad's journal every day, and maybe it would be a good thing to make sure this stuff lasts. Well, I'll just have to rewrite everything into something better when I've got more time, because right now, Sam's staring at the wall, and it's kinda freaking me out._

_I gotta go poke Sasquatch with a stick._


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: So, just to warn you guys, this one's a bit sad (I may even start to tear up!). Review? Please?

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Okay, so I've just finished copying everything from my composition book turned journal into my real journal. It's a good thing that I made time after the last hunt to get it, because I'm about to go mad, waiting for Sam to come back. I really needed something to do…something to distract me from my current situation.

I've turned into a friggin vampire. And when Sam comes back, I'm gonna ask him (again) to kill me.

I can't live like this. I'm one of the monsters I live to hunt. I almost just sunk my teeth into two of the most important people in my sad excuse for a life- Lisa and Ben. I'd gone just to say goodbye, but I couldn't help but smell them. They smelled fantastic, appetizing. I never wanted to hurt them, but now, I know that I won't be able to stop myself again.

It doesn't help that everything's so…much. Loud, like a train passing, bright, like the friggin sun up close, and my skin is on fire with every touch. I'm convinced that the only reason I haven't taken the machete to my own neck yet is for the incredible tactile sensation of writing. I'd never realized before how soothing it was. And the scratching noise the pen makes against this thick paper is kinda nice. It blocks out a lot of other worse noises.

Oh, and I really need to see Sam one last time. I know, it's crazy, but I can't help it. I love him. I have no shame in saying it either. I haven't told him since he was little, but I feel like I need to now. I kind of regret not saying it before either of us went to hell. I was so concerned with keeping it comfortable between us that I never said anything that was important. This time, I won't leave him like that.

You know, I just realized that Sam'll probably find this after I'm gone. So, perhaps I can say a few things to him here.

First, I really do love you. I know, I've already written it above, and probably already told you, but you need to know that. Second, and I know I've said this before too, take care of my baby. I can see you rolling your eyes at me right now, so stop. It's important to me. Third, watch out for Ben and Lisa. I dragged the supernatural into their lives when I had no right to, and I don't want to leave them unprotected. In the past year, I've grown to love them too damn much for that. And finally, and most importantly, I'll be waiting for you on the other side, little brother, but just make sure you don't come too soon, alright?

I think I hear you coming up the stairs to our room now, so I guess that's it. Just remember what I've written for you, and what I'm about to say.


	7. Chapter 7

That bastard isn't my baby brother. I've know something was wrong, and I couldn't place my finger on what it was. Now, I know. He's not Sam. He stood there and watched as that vamp force fed me his blood, turning me into one of them. And he smiled.

It was beyond creep-tastic. It was like he was happy that I was going to be one of those things! Sam wouldn't do that! He would have come and saved my sorry ass! And then, he'd joke about me being his damsel of a hunter in distress. That's Sam, not this thing walking around pretending to be him.

When we went to bed yesterday night, I clutched the knife under my pillow tightly, trying to decide whether or not to plunge it through his chest. But, since I can't be 100% sure about him, I couldn't do it. I need to figure out what it is first. Hell, if it's not Sam, and it is a thing we hunt, the knife might not have killed him. Then, he'd know that I know. All together, I knew it was a bad idea.

I'm gonna call Bobby in the morning. I'll see what he thinks about all this. Maybe he's heard of something that fits. Anyways, I'm stuck with him for now. He thinks I'm out getting us some lunch, which I will do when I'm done writing. Instead, I'm outside of Burger King in my car, once again using the steering wheel to balance my journal.

I don't think Sam's found this yet. I'm counting on the fact that he's never been one for snooping through my stuff before. Even when we were kids, he'd never go into my bag without knowing what he was looking for. And if he accidentally came across something he shouldn't know about (say, the stash of condoms I kept in a hollowed out book), he left it be.

God, it feels like I just got him back! Now, I'm missing him again. I hope that he's just lost, and I can find him. I hate to think that this thing really is my Sammy; that he changed. I don't think I can stand this much longer. He lies to me all the time, he always seems unnaturally still when he sleeps, and he doesn't really make fun of me the way he used to. He's just not my kid brother; the one I used to care for when he was little, hug through the nightmares, and give unsolicited romantic advice to when he was old enough to use it (which was a lot older than when I started using it). As much as I hate to say it, I need him. Badly.

Gotta go. Sam's calling. He's probably about to bitch at me for taking so long.


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: This chapter is in honor of the end of Hellatus! YAY!

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Sammy's still in hell. This thing, it's his body and his mind, but it's not really my brother anymore. He's driving right now, by the way, and hasn't said a thing about the fact that I'm writing. I think he knows it'll just piss me off more than I already am. Without a soul, he's kinda scary, but for some odd reason he still listens to me.

I think its residual trust. Like, he knows that he trusted me before, and he knows that I've never really betrayed his trust. Except for maybe the time when I promised him I wasn't about to do anything "stupid…like 'Michael'-stupid." And I left him and Cas to go do that. But, of course, I righted myself when I killed Zachariah instead.

I still feel like crap that Adam got dragged into this. Even if I promised Sam, I should have had the balls to say yes to Michael a long time ago. Then, of course, Sam wouldn't have had to say yes to Lucifer. We could have had the apocalypse, and I could have made damn sure that Sam would make it through. Adam would still be in heaven, and I wouldn't be reminded every time I close my eyes where my two little brothers are.

Yeah, Sam's sitting right next to me, but Sammy's gone. I shouldn't have believed him in the first place. Because, really? When have we ever been that lucky? Someone's always got a price to pay, and there's no such thing as free.

I wonder if Castiel ever misses Gabriel. They were brothers, and they were the only ones fighting for humanity. (Notice I'm excluding Anna? Well, she lost my esteem when she tried to kill our parents) I'd talk to Cas about Sam, but he's probably too busy. It's not like it was when the apocalypse was on our doorstep. He had plenty of time for me then.

Gas Break…I'm gonna go stretch my legs and make sure Sam doesn't do anything stupid while in the mini-mart.


End file.
